Dance Gallagher, DANCE!

Title: Noel Gallagher turns down Strictly Come Dancing gig

Subject: NOEL GALLAGHER has had a few surreal moments in his rock ’n’ roll career.

Web address: http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/4358795/Oasis-Noel-Gallagher-turns-down-name-your-price-offer-from-Strictly-Come-Dancing-bosses.html

Date: Thu, 07 Jun 2012

Summary

There was champagne with Tony Blair at Downing Street, the madness of Knebworth in ’96 and a few weeks back he watched his beloved Manchester City rip the Premier League crown from bitter rivals United in injury time on the last day of the football season. And now the BBC has given him a name-your-price offer for Noel to appear on Strictly Come Dancing. Last night Noel said: “I’m flattered. I’d have done it an’ all as I’ve recently mastered the sticky task of c***** while dancing. Just for one magical moment, imagine Sir Brucie of Forsyth uttering the words: “Nice to see Noel, to see Noel... ”

Opinion

This whole dancing with anything on anything does not grab my attention. Unless it is dancing on lego bricks whilst juggling flaming dagger puking chainsaws, I will not turn on my television to watch already rich people enter a contest to lose all rock and roll credibility and human dignity in a spangly and degrading outfit that leaves nothing to imagination. I am therefore very glad that Noel kindly refused with a comment that is neither mean nor too friendly. Even though Oasis never impressed me much I respect what they did for the music industry.

Forcing is Baaaaad

Title: Forced marriage expected to become a crime

Subject: Forcing someone to marry is set to be made a crime after David Cameron rejected claims that doing so would simply drive the practice underground.

Web address: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9315181/Forced-marriage-expected-to-become-a-crime.html

Date: 7:00AM BST 07 Jun 2012

Summary

Almost 1,700 people a year in Britain – most of them women from Pakistani or Bangladeshi backgrounds – come forward to voice fears that their family is plotting to force them into a marriage against their will. David Cameron has condemned the practice as like “slavery” but it is not currently illegal in Britain to make someone to get married against their will. Complete criminalisation would represent a victory for campaigners such as Jasvinder Sanghera, herself a former victim who now runs the charity Karma Nirvana and the support group and helpline The Honour Network.

Opinion

How is something that has “forced” in it not a crime? Forcing something is usually not a positive thing. The fact that I could not come up with any forced thing that could even be remotely positive shows that it is nigh impossible for something forced to be positive since I have a vivid imagination. I also do not see how there could be any discussion about the outlawing of forced marriages. It sounds criminal, it is criminal, let’s make it a crime. Discussion closed. Any people who might disagree with this point of view, please see me in my trailer.

Footballer Gets His Balls Footed.

Title: Joey Barton hit in face outside Garlands nightclub in Liverpool

Subject: Joey Barton hit in face outside Garlands nightclub in Liverpool

Web address: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/joey-barton-hit-in-face-outside-garlands-nightclub-in-liverpool-7814922.html

Date: MONDAY 04 JUNE 2012

Summary

Joey Barton was punched in the face by two men of which one was arrested. This is not the first time this has happened he gets beaten up quite a lot due to his controversial on and off pitch life. He also tweets in a very opinionated manner which pisses off quite a lot of people. Police were immediately on the scene and had to hold back a shirtless Joey Barton, Barton’s girlfriends helped in the holding back process. Barton has been portrayed badly in the news four times in 2004, once in 2005, twice in 2006, twice in 2007, once in 2008, once in 2009, once in 2010, once in 2011 and so far five times in 2012.

Opinion

A man was punched in his face after leaving a bar, why? Because he has opinions. Why is this news? Because he is a footballer. Can we now get on with real news. No? Okay, I will enlargen my opinion. The fact that footballers are famous is because they can kick around a ball on a field really well, sometimes they even play in a team format, more often than not they forget that they are not alone on the field. The biggest problem here is that footballers might get quite arrogant and see their opinions as facts. And everybody knows that is only the case regarding me. 

Marksman Mayhem

Title: Michael Pritchard inquest: Soldier accidentally shot

Subject: A soldier believed to have been killed by a British sniper in Afghanistan was accidentally shot while on active service, a coroner has said.

Web address: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-18159894

Date: 23 may 2012

Summary

L/Cpl Michael Pritchard, of the 4th Regiment, Royal Military Police, was shot dead in Sangin in 2009. He was deployed to watch a blind spot on the road and make sure the Taliban wasn´t planting bombs. The bullet that killed Pritchard was shot by L/Cpl Malcolm Graham, of the Royal Scots Borderers, 1st Battalion. Graham´s mistake has been writen up to being Graham being tired in vulnerable and unrational circumstances. Although the mistake could´ve been avoided. Pritchard´s parents say that the army has taken no actions regarding the mistake and death of their son. Pritchard´s commander praises him as a brave professional soldier who made a huge impact on the regiment.

Opinion

I find it very weird that someone can be shot to the chest and abdomen with one bullet, it is quite an achievement and sign of very good marksmanship. Sadly it was fired at an ally instead of an enemy. There are two things that are evenly bad about the whole scenario. One is that the parents of said dead soldier have not gotten any form of apology or mention or any of the sort after three years. The other is that there were british soldiers in Afghanistan to support the ego of the USA.

They May Take Our Lives But They Will Never Take Our Beerrrrrr!

Title: Cut alcohol intake to just a quarter pint of beer a day, experts advise

Subject: Researchers say in report that drastic reduction in guideline amounts could save 4,600 lives a year in England

Web address: http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2012/may/30/cut-alcohol-intake-quarter-pint-daily

Date: Wednesday 30 May 2012 23.30 BST

Summary

People should drink just a half unit of alcohol daily in order to cut the number of deaths from cancer, liver disease and other conditions linked to drinking, health experts are urging. Henry Ashworth, chief executive of the Portman Group, a social responsibility body funded by the drinks industry, said that "78% of people in the UK drink within recommended low risk guidelines, as set by the chief medical officers". He added: "Drastically cutting everyone's consumption to half a unit a day – that is, one large glass of wine a week – is not the way to reduce harms in the small group who misuse alcohol and need specific and targeted help."

Opinion

There is no use cutting people´s alcohol intake. How are you going to monitor it. Put people in each and every bar who send the guests home after one drink? That will cost a lot of money not only to pay those people but also because the selling of alcohol brings in lots of taxes. So by regulating alcohol sales you are regulating money away from the treasury. This is the same idea as with the whole smoking ban and increase on the price of cigarettes. Smokers bring in lots of money so why make them quit. Unhealthy people bring in lots of money and die too soon to cost any. Credit crunch avoided.

Borie Torie

Title: Boris Johnson gives Tories a boost with London mayoral win

Subject: Johnson beats rival Ken Livingstone to secure second four-year term as London's mayor

Web address: http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2012/may/05/boris-johnson-london-win

Date: Saturday 5 May 2012 02.02 BST

Summary

Boris Johnson gave the Conservatives a much needed boost as he secured a second London mayoral term for which he beat Labour rival with a 51.53% approval rate over Ken Livingstone’s 48.47%. The wait for the results turned into a nail-biting prolonged count down because there were glitches in the counting process. Johnson promised to be “fighting for a good deal for Londoners”. Livingstone labels this loss as the most bitter defeat in a political career spanning more than four decades. Johnson hopes to go for a non-taxpayer funded drink with Livingstone and describes him as the most original and creative Labour opponent.

Opinion

The problem with Johnson for me is that even if I don’t agree with all of his political standpoints I still think he’s a great bloke. He always comes across as a flabbergasted doofus which holds a high entertainment value. This is also my concern for his re-election. How many Londoners voted for him because they think he’s a funny guy and how many voted for him for political reasons? A mayor holds a very important position in the governing of a city not only on the inside but also towards the outside world. And he may have the goofy charm that is needed to make politics interesting again but does he have the right political views for the city?

Congratulations, it’s a fine!

Title: Drink-driving midwife had gin and tonic in her car
Subject: Janice Hawke found with bottle of gin, tonic water and slices of lemon in her car has been banned from driving for three years
Web address: http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/may/01/drink-driving-midwife-gin-tonic
Date: Tuesday 1 May 2012 15.59 BST

Summary
A midwife who was caught drink-driving with a bottle of gin, tonic water and slices of lemon in her car has been banned from the road for three years. Janice Hawke, 57, was approached by a member of the public after she pulled up outside a shop. The court heard how Hawke was extremely distressed on the day of the offence after the death of her uncle. Hawke has one previous conviction for drink-driving in 2005. She is employed as a midwife in the community and she stands to lose her employment. Hawke pleaded guilty at Plymouth magistrates court in Devon to failing to provide a specimen. She was banned from driving, given 12 months' community service, and ordered to pay £85 in costs.

Opinion
It’s funny how this made it onto the online front page of one of the more respectable newspapers of the United Kingdom. It is just another drunk driver, but hold the effing presses people! She is a midwife, national outrage! What has become of the human race, how could we get this far as a species?! Please, calm down and carry on my wayward son. It is horrible that people drink and drive, but I have to say, carrying around a glass with lemon slices and all the other ingredients for a quite successful gin and tonic shows a kind of planning you wouldn’t immediately link to a drink ‘n’ drive.